" ...it is in your mind where the probem is ..."

...that's what the doctor told John Nash, in the movie, a beautiful mind...I remember the words of someone that I respect and cherish...she used to tell me you have to keep yourself distant from what happens...you have not to let things affect you that much... I know she is right... but I can't afford to do that all the time ... specially when it comes to the people I care about... somehow what they do and what they say affects me... I know it shouldn't ...but it does... and the very first thing that comes to my mind is that they don't want to know me anymore....they don't want to be friends with me anymore....sometimes I say :" I don't care..." but it is only for self preservation...only to convince my mind that it is ok.... only because the hurt is so much to take... and my heart had enough disappointments.... now that I have the chance to go around people... be with them... listen to what they say... I don't want to do that.... I don't even want to read their mind as I once hoped for... I just need some peace... I need to find my inner peace... all by myself... but then how could this happen...and the time where I was most stable, at balance and happy was the time when I was communicating with someone very dear to my heart.... but then... where was I in the big map of this person's mind?? I don't know... and I am not sure that I want to... I am too scared to ask this question... may be not now ... my be when I get a little stronger and ready for anything.... I will just keep all the possibilities in my mind ....but then again ...what difference would it make now that I am a ghost ... and that knowing the truth whatever it is will change nothing in this fact... that I no longer belong to this world.... Sarah the ghost

ok ...

my social life was next to nothing ... yet ... all this time that I spent alone ... watching people ... their behavior... how they react and what they say ...taught me a lot ... and most importantly... is that only a very few number of people can come closer ... and that's how it was ... the people that I do know and trust are numbered ...not because they were the only one that I met ... and not because they were the only one available... but because they were the only one that I felt OK and comfortable with... and I felt that it is safe that they come closer....I wonder if they are reading this ... and I hope that they recognize themselves ... I may not be a very good judge of character ... but my sense never lied to me ... and that's all that I had ... my sense which grew a lot stronger now that I am a ghost ...

breakable ...

... now that I recall how my life was like... I don't remember a time when I felt well and ok ... health wise I mean ... there was always something wrong...the flue ... the knee problem....the stress... the huge to do list that was always so disproportionate with the time scheduled for it...which made me feel so out of energy...so unable... and that was frustrating...besides... working with people put some limits to your behavior and your responses... the best to do is to let whatever happens passes through you... as if it happened to someone else....it is nice... it is an anti-fight mechanism... it makes you look good and civilized... usually people judge your behavior even if it a reaction to an aggression that you were subjected to....so ...keeping that masked face.. that cold smile... it is a lot easier this way...and it is also so energy consuming.... only now I realize how a strong person I was... I didn't let any of what happened break me.... I am not breakable after all... I mean I was not breakable...